Hakeem-A-Barber: Whats wrong? Ever since you left your mama's house you've been in a bad mood.
Dee: (annoyed voice): Mama loves Maggie more than she loves me!
Hakeem-A-Barber: Why would you say that? Your mom loves you both equally.
Dee: (very loud): NO! She always gives everything to Maggie instead of me. I wanted those quilts more than Maggie did. She just wanted them because I wanted them! I hate Maggie!
Hakeem-A-Barber: You don't hate anyone. You're just saying that now because your mad. You know you love your sister and would do anything for her. Maggie hardly ever ask for anything because she thinks you deserve it more than her.
Dee: What do you mean?
Hakeem-A-Barber: She looks up to you because your pretty and smart. You have your whole life ahead of you, and she loves you. Why else would she try and give you those quilts?
Dee: (soft voice): Yeah, I guess your right. I do love my sister. I could never hate her. I'm going to go tell her right now.
Hakeem-A-Barber: That's my girl!
Very nice, Sierra! Even though you used the same characters as me, your dialogue was very different. I like how you have Hakim-a-barber telling Dee how much Maggie looks up to her.
ReplyDeleteThis was really good Sierra! It made perfectly good sense. Just watch that sometimes you get mixed up on which form of your to use (ex. because your pretty and smart should be you're) Other than that it's really good! I always look forward to reading your entries :)
ReplyDeleteSIERRA! I liked your story a lot, you used the same characters as me, but your story was completely different. Like Brookie said watch your uses of you're and also make sure to describe how Hakeem-A-Barber is speaking through the story. Other then that it was very good.
ReplyDeleteGreat job Sierra. This is very cool reading the story from what you think the characters would say. Next time proofread a little better.
Delete