Tuesday, September 13, 2011

"Ordeal by Cheque" by Yumna Amir

On August 30th 1903,a young man named Lawrence Exeter is doing his last minute baby shopping...in disguise. Reason? Mr. Exeter is doing his last minute baby shopping... in disguise. Reason? Mr. Exeter was involved in a mafia Italian group, lead by Tony Spagoni. He escaped the group, when being ordered to kill his wife,knowing Tony would lose his best hitman, he left unnoticed. Lawrence and his wife moved in a small apartment in a quiet neighborhood of California. Four days later a healthy baby Lawrence Exeter Jr. is born. Over the years Lawrence Jr. became a troublesome boy, that he was sent to Palisades School for Boys. In 1915, Lawrence Exeter Sr. owned a 1921 Cadillac from his succeeding business. Since his wife left, Lawrence Sr. was know as "Lady's Best Man" especially,from his affair with his maiden, Miss Daisy Windsor. Lawrence Jr. soon grew into a very disturbed, and troubled young man, that Exeter Sr. disowned him. Sending Jr. with only three checks worth $202,433,50. Knowing that the cash was enough to support him. Jr.dedicated himself to Tony Spagoni's gang, the former gang his father once belonged! Lawrence Jr.'s gang life effected his marriage to his wife. When the fights and abuses getting out of hand, his wife filed for divorce.With this out of his way, Lawrence Jr. was appointed hitman, like his father.Secretly, this also meant paying the price of his father. Jr. was meeting Death, when assigned to kill Peter Veutizzi at midnight. If he failed he'd suffer the consequences. Peter was actually an old leader of the mafia before Tony. He may have been old,but still had tricks up his sleeves. When Lawrence approached Peter boasting his task to kill him seemed too easy, since Peter was old. Peter remarked that he and Tony expected these judgments of Lawrence Sr.'s son would lead him on thin ice. Peter then pulled out his long-time favorite gun and announced this would be forgotten if Lawrence filled out a check in less that 5 sec. Lawrence Jr.cowardly,only managed to run from the scene, to his bike. Junior,dangerously multitasking,when writing a chicken-scratched check crashed into a 1935 Cadillac car. There in his last moment he laid in his pool of blood with the clean check balled up for Peter Veutizzi.Now stood Lawrence Exeter in front of his son's gravestone with disappointment and guilt; for his son's choices and for himself for not being their to save his son's tragic fate. Many who visited their loved ones over the years, would pass the Exeter Jr. gave that read "A person's true wealth is the good he or she does in the world."- Mohammad

3 comments:

  1. I think you made your story very interesting which actualy made me want to read it. The only thing i really noticed that you messed up on was the double sentece in the begining.

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  2. Yumna-
    Nice work. I really like your writing style. It's important to find your "voice" and this was a good start. Remember to keep your verb tense consistent and to proofread more closely.
    -Ms. Balas

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